Anime Rants

As one who has grown up on Pokémon since the coming of the Blue, Yellow and Red versions, I have found myself to become more and more addicted to it with every pokémon caught and every Lass’ ass kicked. But sadly, as the years went on, it seemed that Pokémon has shown more and more fuck-ups, and in this rant I will make it my duty to point out every one of them….or at least the ones I have seen so far.

First off…Their Gender failures.

Everyone knows about Mr. Mime. In the early first versions, where they did not mention gender at all with the exception of Nidoran, anyone with any common sense would have figured that all Mr. Mime were, duh, male. However, that does not seem to be the case. After the coming of the Gold and Silver versions, it was discovered that Mr. Mime was also a Mrs. Mime, but looked the same as a Mr. Mime. What the hell Pokémon??? How do you call IT a Mr. Mime while it’s a female? I would have expected them to make a female version of it, but then again, it might have ended up being uglier than the male.

I mean, seriously, how the hell are you supposed to put two Mr. Mimes together and get an egg if they’re called Mr. Mime? Wouldn’t you have another related pokémon as a female? Wouldn’t that lessen the oddity of it all? I don’t have a problem if they’re gay, but come on, stop mind-fucking people who actually think this shit through!

Now, for Kangaskhan. Everyone loves the adorable little baby Kangaskhan carry around right? Everyone has seen the episode with the Kangaskhan kid and have seen, for the first time, a baby out of the pouch of a Kangaskhan. But seriously, what the hell? Anyone who thinks too much(like me) would think, why are they only female? There could be male Kangaskhan too, they just can’t have a pouch. Of course, one would have to think, if there are only female Kangaskhan, and you put one with a Ditto, how would the Ditto screw the Kangaskhan? There are no male Kangaskhan for it to copy, therefore no male genitalia, therefore no reproduction. So what the hell Pokémon??? Of course the same could be said for other female-only pokémon, like Chansey, or for completely genderless pokémon, like Magnemite and Voltorb. How do you get an egg from two mutated pokéballs rubbing up on each other? Another thing about Kangaskhan: If there’s a baby form of it, then why isn’t there a name for it? You don’t see everyone calling Pichu a baby Pikachu all the time unless they’re too lazy to think of its name. So why can’t we have a name for the baby Kangaskhan?

Another fuck-up was found in Pokémon Sapphire/Ruby/Emerald. You remember Gardevoir? That very elegant Psychic-type that looked like it had an evening gown on? Yea, that was male and female too. BUT, in Platinum and Pearl, they made it so the male Kirlia could evolve into GALLADE, a more masculine pokémon with fighting type capabilities. I’m sure the male Kirlia were glad they didn’t have to wear a dress anymore, but what the fuck? How the hell do you go from having a male Gardevoir to having a Gallade? So what the hell would happen if I took a male Gardevoir from Emerald and put it into Diamond or something? Would it somehow become a Gallade? Or would the game overload from something trying to fuck with the game-makers logic? What the fuck Pokémon? You’d think they would have thought all that shit out before they did that. Seriously, I have nothing against cross-dressing pokémon, but you can’t just flip-flop on the evolutionary chain. I wish everyone would have bitch-slapped Professor Oak.

Now I’m going to talk about their lack of creativity. Rotom. The laughing stock of the Pokémon world, other than Magikarp, Feebas, and Brock.

For those that don’t know what Rotom is, it’s the little wannabe legendary Pokémon that you find in a t.v. in Diamond/Pearl/Platinum. It’s Ghost/Electric, an interesting mix, but I myself find the pokémon a waste of time, other than to shove it in my P.C. never to be thought about again. So anyway, the pokémon has the ability to take over appliances, which explains why it was in a t.v. to begin with. However, Pokémon wanted to take it a bit further and make it so there are OTHER forms of this thing, each with a different element depending on what appliance it is. So there’s a freakin’ washing machine, an oven, a lawn mower with a rape face, a refrigerator, and a fan. Have fun guessing what elements they each share, unless you have the I.Q. of a Slowpoke.

You know that Pokémon is running out of ideas when they make Pokémon based on appliances right? I mean, why the fuck not, you surf on them, you fly on them, they move your furniture…now they can broil your Pidgey and mow your lawn too!

What the hell Pokémon? Why didn’t you make a toaster while you were at it? You fail Pokémon. You fail big time. If people weren’t so damn addicted to the game they would have walked away from it altogether when news of the first form got out. In fact, I know someone who DID!  But somehow, appliance-based pokémon just doesn’t equate to the crap on the show, by which I mean Ash getting gayer with each season and Pikachu glitching back to level 25 on every new continent.

Now, I think I’m not the only one that has realized this, but did you know that Pokémon supports prostitution? I mean seriously, what the hell else do you do with a freakin’ Ditto?? Even the freakin’ strategy guides tell you to make a pokémon screw a Ditto to get an egg! They were MADE for this purpose! Sure, they didn’t implement it until Gold and Silver originals came out, but still! No one actually TRAINS a ditto, the most time they spend on it is taking it in and out of the Pokémon Daycare, if they take it out at all! I mean, I can’t tell you how many times I just threw a pokémon in there, ran around like a bunny on crack on my Mach bike, came back, got the Egg and the other pokémon and thought, “Damn, you’re STILL in here?” and never took it back out. Next thing you know you owe hundreds of thousands to the Daycare and you have a Ditto on level 100, which would be cool, except for the fact that NO ONE USES IT.

To the logical homo-sapiens, Pokémon is chock full of mind-fucks. If you don’t care, it may be better that way. In fact, it’s much healthier for you. But for those of us who do ask questions, we keep an open mind and one eye open for the next potential screw-up. There are others that I haven’t mentioned, for the sake of not making this post too large, but I think that this will open some Pokéfans’ eyes to the WTF-ness of the game.1